Certified Narcissist

I’m sorry I missed last week’s blog post.

To be honest I didn’t even realize it was Friday until it was Saturday lol.

I had been working over time to get a video to upload for you guys over on the channel and it was giving me one heck of a time lol.

Maybe my brain sabotaged last Fridays post on purpose because we’re entering the era I want to run from. I don’t want to think about it let alone write about it.

Someone asked me why my blog was so detailed, and suggested I hold back a little. This person doesn’t know me personally, so while I contemplated their advice…I had to inevitably disagree with them.

I hold back a lot of details, actually. The things I write on here are super touchy subjects and nobody wants to write everything out in detail…and nobody wants to read those details either. There’s a lot I omit from this blog. Just know I’ve been through worse than you’ve read. I’ve held back a lot for your reading experience and for the sake of family members feelings. I’m not here to sabotage anyone. I’m not here to make anyone look bad. I’m just here to brag on God. That’s all.

And in order to do that loud and proud, I have to add some context into this thing!

I spared some reputations.

— That’s the victim me.

However, now we’re talking about the villain me.

And I don’t care about sparing my own reputation. It is who I was, not who I am.

I’m not going to omit something from this timeline to make this more comfortable for me. I’m uncomfortable, absolutely, but I think that’s a part of this whole thing. It’s hard to grow when you’re comfortable. A lot of times my growth comes from me putting myself in uncomfortable situations.

I told you guys in the last post that I had seared my conscious and it’s so very true.

I find myself randomly thanking God for conviction and for my conscious now, because even almost a decade later, I’m so happy to have it back.

While reading this I want you to read about the feelings I felt during all of this. I want you to know my mindset during this time. I’ve always been super open with you guys and I don’t want to stop that now.

Back to my conscious…

I was in prayer the other day and I felt super convicted about something, and instead of feeling embarrassed or like a child getting in trouble… I felt so relieved. I literally said “thank You Jesus for my conscious.” I hear Holy Spirit loud and clear these days and I’m grateful for that. Sooo, so unbelievably grateful for that. It’s why I try to stay so sensitive to the Spirit and what He’s saying. I don’t ever want to ignore His voice until I forget the sound of it ever again.

I crossed the line.

If you’re reading this blog for the first time…I hope you go back and read prior ones before this so you’re not completely lost.

As of right now, I’m talking about a reoccurring “character”.

Somehow we made contact again. This was the first time we had actually contacted one another since I had seen him rushed away in an ambulance that day at school.

I had seen he was back in town, but I didn’t dare talk to him.

I can’t remember who contacted who, but that’s really irrelevant anyway. Regardless, we began speaking again.

It started out super innocent. A sort of “catching up” conversation and it quickly turned into a me hiding my phone at night, deleting messages sort of thing.

One night I had hid my phone under the mattress while I slept so Shane couldn’t find it. He had never been one to go through my phone per se, but my actions of late had been worrying him and I guess he figured out something must be going on.

I woke up to him standing over me with this horrible look in his eyes.

Pure betrayal. That man was HURT.

I knew right away that he had found it.

It was a knock out drag out argument that night.

At that point, I had never seen him so hurt.

I wish I could say that that was the worst it’s ever been, but this was just a precursor.

We argued and talked all night until way up in the morning.

Shane knew who this guy was, but he didn’t know the extent of my history with him. Like I told you before, I kept him and everything to do with him locked up in me. I can’t really tell you why, I can just assume it had a lot to do with the lack of closure I got from everything that happened between us.

As the sun was coming up, I remember promising it would never happen again.

I didn’t even know at the time that THAT was a lie. I really believed it wouldn’t happen again. I had every intention on it not happening again.

We moved, again.

We were always moving. We rarely stayed past the duration of our lease no matter where we were. It felt like we had no stability and I hated that.

Shane and I were both working. It felt like we worked in vain because we surely didn’t have anything to show for it. We were struggling bad and it felt like a never ending battle. McDonalds dollar menu was even out of the question. We sold everything we had to be able to afford the house payment, food, gas, etc. We worked as many hours as we were allowed to, but between the low amount of income coming in and poor money management….money was gone the minute it hit the bank.

We lost the house we worked hard for and we ended up moving into another trailer in a trailer park. It was here that I went from working at Food City to working as a hostess at a restaurant. I had been promised more money, but inevitably the owner never sent me the first paycheck. He actually got shut down a little while later after decades of business.

Shane was working in the lawn and garden area at Walmart. He had just transferred from a Walmart he had been at for like six years, and when he transferred to this one they quickly cut his hours and they couldn’t transfer him back to his Walmart… so we were in a pickle.

Shane had spent years working towards a position in Walmart and everyone loved him there so when he transferred and they started giving him less and less hours…we were like oh snap what are we going to do now? It put him in a bad head space because he had been working there for awhile and putting himself through college with that job. He would literally get out of classes, walk across the highway to his store, and clock himself in for an 8 hour shift.

Eventually, the new Walmart just took him completely off of the schedule.

I picked up a factory job to carry us until Shane could find something new. The problem was he only had customer service experience and the places that were wanting to hire him couldn’t pay him enough. He made pretty good money at Walmart because he had sort of climbed the ladder throughout those 6 years. Nothing any store offered him was anywhere near that amount of money per hour.

I sorted books at the factory I worked at. It was a packing plant so I would walk a billion steps a day while sorting and packing books into boxes. I actually loved it. I would work my hind end off Monday through Friday and sometimes Saturday’s. People can call me a lot of things, but one thing I’ll never answer to is “lazy”. I will do what I have to for my family every single time. I will work as much and as hard as needed if it means they’re taken care of.

I worked myself ragged at this factory for a $225 check a week. It wasn’t a lot, but it carried us for a little bit.

Shane eventually found a job at Home Depot.

We were really excited about it because they had taken his time at Walmart into consideration and they had offered him quite a bit of money. The schedule was super strict and he would have to be in the store at 4am every day, but it worked for us.

However, once he got to know the guys a little better…we soon realized this was not going to work out. Shane is very upfront and honest. He’s not easily pressured, and he sticks to his convictions no matter what. Things were going south because of how the store was ran, some stuff was going on that Shane didn’t agree with, and I told him to hold out just a little longer until I could figure out something.

It was only a few days later that I borrowed the money from nanny to put myself through CNA classes.

I actually just paid her back for that 4 years ago when I began making an income from YouTube. I can’t tell you how happy it made me to finally be able to pay nanny back for that. Nanny made an investment into me that day and I was able to make a good living for us for a long while because of her kindness.

I went to my classes every day. I studied from the time I got home til the time I went to sleep and I graduated as Valedictorian of my class. Some may find that hilarious, but I was proud of that. I got my little valedictorian certificate in the back of a goodwill where my classes were held lol. I even have the little award thingy still lol I was as proud of that as I was for the GED certificate I had on my wall lol!

I had a job before I even graduated that class and I began working third shift.

I wish this time signified the change we needed in our lives. It did change our lives, but it was in more ways than one…I made a lot of money while being CNA. It was BIG money to us back then. Between my wages and the overtime I pulled, we made it off pretty well. We had been used to scraping for change and going hungry, and we weren’t doing that anymore, so we thought we had made it in life honestly lol.

The medical field is wild though.

I can say that because I was in it for awhile and I worked in several different places.

It’s all the same lol

The things I witnessed while there is just unbelievable. Married male nurses out in the parking lot with married female nurses. Unoccupied rooms becoming…. Occupied.

Drugs deals behind the facility. ….Other deals behind the facility. Night shift was cake compared to evening shift. The evening shift employees were WILD.

It took me awhile to fit in with my fellow employees. We didn’t vibe at first and it was really taking a toll on me. They would be so mean and I would sneak off to the ice room and cry my eyes out. I’d call Shane and he would have to give me a pep talk to keep me going for the rest of the night.

I did that every night.

I promise you. EVERY night.

I did everything I could to make them like me. I pulled their weight…I did their charting, their call lights, their rounds. I went into contagion rooms by myself so they wouldn’t have to gear up. I thought if I made their work load easier on them by pulling some of their weight they would like me better. It goes back to me always feeling like I have to EARN somebody’s love.

I bought their lunches. I would take my 30 minute break and rush over to cookout at 2AM so I could pick them all up something and it still didn’t help my situation.

We were just totally different people. They had a whole dynamic and I was trying to be a really good person at this point so I didn’t fit into that “dynamic”.

After Shane and I had that knockout drag out argument a year or so prior…I had been trying really hard to just work and take care of my family. I didn’t have time to get sidetracked. I had a family to provide for. I was the sole provider for the 4 of us and that felt like a lot of pressure.

I admire those people who solely provide for their family. I know the amount of stress and pressure that comes along with that sort of lifestyle and it’s really not easy.

I’ve been on both ends, the sole provider and the stay at home mom and both are difficult in their own ways.

I tried everything I could to make my work experience a good one because my family relied on that job.

I realized over time that people enjoy like minded people. And I was not likeminded to those people.

So I became likeminded to those people.

What started out as a way to secure my job and make it a pleasant experience for me and my family ended up being a huge component into me almost losing my family.

Around this time I got on Phentermine to lose weight and lose weight I did.

I lived off of half a McChicken a week. I’m not exaggerating, you can ask Shane.

I lost almost a hundred pounds in 6 months. I looked SICK.

Shane was looking at me one day and was like “Rina you’re looking so sick”. I was staring at myself in the mirror and didn’t miss the hollow eyes that were completely enveloped by black circles and the skeleton like cheek bones. I covered it up with makeup so no one would notice but when I got home and took it all off it was unavoidable. I didn’t just look sick, I WAS sick.

I worked every night, no breaks. I worked 10:30PM to 6:30AM and was always on call for day and evening shift. I was needed for both evening shift and night shift so I started working 16 hour shifts Monday - Sunday. At first I didn’t mind because A) it kept my family taken care of and B) The more I worked the less I thought about food so it felt like a win-win for me.

I was exhausted, though.

I never got to spend time with my kids and that really began to affect me. I’ve always loved spending time with my kids. The minute I had Colton he became my little bestie and he was my favorite person on the planet. I loved that little boy with everything I had in me, so the 2 hours a day I got to see him didn’t feel like enough. My heart was breaking. I missed he and Cammy so bad. The longer I went without seeing him and cammy the more bitter I got. I resented Shane. Even though this was a part of our plan…I so badly wanted him to come in and save the day and be like “I got this”. We had agreed that I would work full time and over time to compensate for 2 incomes so that he could stay home with Colton and Cammy. We planned it that way because we could make more in healthcare than we could in customer service usually. So maybe I shouldn’t have been angry…but I just remember watching their relationships grow, and watching my relationship with them deteriorate and I came to hold a grudge. A ginormous grudge.

I’m holding a grudge.

I’m sick.

I’m working 112 hours a week.

I’m getting 4 hours of sleep a day.

I’m seeing my kids 2 hours a day if I’m lucky.

I’m missing key moments as a mother.

I have no life outside of work.

It doesn’t get passed me that Shane is living my dream life because all I’ve ever wanted to be is a stay at home mom.

And so begins my “I don’t give a crap” era.

This isn’t my excuse..this is my WHY.

Now listen to me when I say this…everything I have said until now is not an excuse for my behavior. But it does begin to explain my why.

My grudge had turned into full blown resentment. I had lost all confidence in Shane’s ability to take care of us. I began to have control issues because I was virtually in control of everything and that began to create a certified Narcissist. I was a CNA alright…in more ways than one.

I was a Certified Nursing Assistant and I was a Certified Narcissistic BAD WORD FOR BUTT HOLE.

I became the most self centered person I have ever known.

I was mean. I was meaner than mean