Haunted

I’ve been averaging posts bi weekly lately.

I think it’s due to the fact that we’ve approached the part of my story that I really hate looking back on.

Even the thought of sitting down and typing all the things I put my family through, all of the thoughts that were going through my mind in real time, and just reliving those times makes me want to squall my eyes out.

I’m still showing up to post, but I know that God is giving me so much grace when it comes to this blog. He really is letting me post at a rate that won’t overburden me mentally and I need to remember that more often.

The only one putting a time crunch on me…is me.

That being said, I still make it a point to show up here, because I’m committed to this thing. I’m committed to the will of God. I’m committed to the task He has tasked me with.

So if I miss a week, just know I’ll be back. It’s more than likely because I have an upcoming post that I know will be particularly tough for me to talk about and I don’t want to put my mind into a rut.

I think people think because I am so positive, that I smile through everything and every thought. I feel like they think I smile through the really bad and sad times, and thats just not so.

I’m as human as you are.

I have emotions and thats normal.

Shoot, God has emotions.

The difference between the Creator and His creation is that while we both have emotions (because we’re made in His image)…Only one of us is DRIVEN by those emotions.

And that’s us.

So, it’s normal to feel all of the feelings.

People misinterpret the saying “the joy of the Lord is my strength”.

That’s Bible. It’s true. You won’t ever catch me arguing with scripture…but joy isn’t smiling all of the time… joy isn’t 24/7 happiness either.

The joy that is my strength— I interpret it as an inner peace. An inner joyful peace that is present no matter the circumstance. An innermost feeling that no matter what, in the end, God cares for me and wants the best for me.

That revelation alone, creates the inner joy that I have. It’s unshakeable, unbreakable, and utterly bulletproof.

Because God’s love for me (and for you) is all in the same. Unshakeable, unbreakable, and UTTERLY bulletproof.

I left you last time in a particular part of my story that was really hard for me.

I was working all of the time, I was surrounded by influences (not very good ones), and I was bitter.

I worked 3rd shift with people who didn’t like me very much until I became a chameleon and became similar to them. They started liking me when I started doing that.

I made friends with someone in particular that was around my age at the time. At this time I believe I was 22ish. We were talking while doing rounds on our unit and she mentioned she was talking to someone. Some way or another she said his name and when she did I was shocked.

Can you guess who it was?

I’ll give you three guesses lol.

Mike? No who is that.

Jefferey? Don’t know one.

Casper the ghost? I mean…you could call him that. I like that better than the Ghost of Christmas past name I’ve given him lol.

From now on he’s Casper.

But yes. It was in fact…Casper.

I tried to hide my face, but she detected something was off and inevitably I had to tell her why I had the reaction I had and how I knew him.

I kept it very brief, because like now, he’s never been a subject that I’ve talked freely on…I didn’t talk about him in detail back then either.

Even though I kept it as brief as possible, I could tell it made her uncomfortable and things weren’t the same for the rest of the night.

I’m telling you….you want to talk about “familiar spirits”?

This is something of the sort.

No matter where I went, who I talked to…that person was almost always brought up in conversation. It was absolutely a stumbling block that I fell right into.

The enemy knew the attachment I had to this person. That trauma bond I told you about. And he played those cards and played them good.

I wasn’t prayed up then like I stay now. I didn’t really have a relationship with Jesus. I believed in Him. I considered myself a Christian. But I knew Him as the deity of God. Not as my friend. Not as my Savior.

This is the part I’m really ashamed about.

After finding out who she was talking to I got into my head. I let my guard down. I finally accepted the friend request that had been waiting in the friend request folder for forever.

And I walked right into one of the darkest parts of my story.

We began talking back and forth. He asked to meet up somewhere and I agreed.

I can honestly tell you that I had no “bad” intentions for the meet up.

I knew it was wrong, because I was keeping it hid…but I didn’t go expecting to do anything “bad” per se.

We met up in the parking lot of a McDonalds one night before my shift (a McDonalds parking lot space that I STILL won’t let Shane park in to this day.)

He got in the passenger seat of my car, and I knew right then this was about to be a problem.

It had been 5 years since I had seen him, but you wouldn’t have known that. I think we were both stunted in our maturity.

The best way I can describe it is…. And it might sound awful but this is the best way I can explain it…

You know how you have a favorite toy when you’re little?

You know how it’s been years since you’ve seen that thing? And then you see it in a tiktok video or at a yard sale and you get a sense of nostalgia? Almost a comforting feeling?

That’s what it was like seeing him again.

I didn’t have feelings for him. I didn’t get butterflies or anything. But that sense of familiarity(nostalgia) was there because that trauma bond had never been broken.

There had never been closure.

One minute we’re sitting beside each other at lunch, the next minute it’s been 5 years and we’re sitting beside each other in a McDonalds parking lot…. One of us married, one of us playing the field, and both of us utterly DUMB.

He never settled down. I did, though. So I guess if we’re Dumb and Dumber…I’m Dumber.

It was a brief catch up conversation in the car that night, but it kicked off a frequent texting thing between the two of us.

I

Don’t

Want

To

Go

On.

I’m just going to type this in fast motion so I can get through this quickly and move on.

The day I left my house to go to his house is one of the worst memories in my entire life.

I told Shane where I was going. I didn’t hide it. Some people would say “at least you didn’t hide it” …no there was no “at least” to it. At this point I didn’t care to hide it. I wasn’t doing Shane any favors. I just legitimately did not care.

What haunts me to this day is the look on Shane’s face when I walked out our door. I will never forget it, it’s engraved into my mind. I can see it right now as if it were right in front of me.

That’s a price for what I did that day. It’s a price I will pay until I am dead and buried.

Shane was heartbroken. We had obviously been having problems already and I had already been playing around with fire by being too friendly with guys, but I hadn’t crossed that line and so when I finally did….he was destroyed.

I left him with our kids and I went to …Caspers..house.

If I could go back and change ANYTHING it would be this decision.

I would never cross that line.

I would never put my husband through that.

But I can’t change what I did. I just have to live with my decisions and the consequences of my actions.

In the next blog post I’ll be walking you through the situation.

I won’t be graphic, but I can’t skip over this part because I feel like my thought process during the whole thing is something that genuinely needs to be studied.

I tried rectifying the situation but I was too late.

I will say…that one decision changed everything