It’s a slow fade.

So, I almost called in sick today lol

I did not want to be here writing this.

It’s weird because I WANT to fulfill what God has called me to do, but showing up is hard sometimes.

Blog posts like the last one are easy. I could write about Shane all day long. But as far as timelines go… we’re about to hit a rough patch and I don’t want to revisit that.

But for God, I will.

I left y’all at the wedding in the pajamas, lol.

What I forgot to mention is that throughout our entire dating relationship…I did not cheat on Shane. That was a first. I was actually quite proud of that as a teenager. I remember trying my hardest to not fall back into old habits because he really made me feel loved for the first time in my entire life. Now someone may say “Merina if you love somebody it’s not hard to be faithful.” And I would agree with that to an extent, but what IS hard is breaking a habit. I was a serial cheater. I’d cheat on anybody with anybody. I had 0…ZERO…self respect. While that’s hard to admit, it’s true. Blatantly true. I won’t sugarcoat nothing about my story for you guys. I want to be totally transparent and honest with you all. That’s the whole point of doing this. If I’m going to water it down and play the victim the whole time… why are we even all here.

As a child I WAS the victim. As a teenager and a young adult I was the VILLAIN.

It’s easy to start a habit, it’s hard to end one.

That’s why everybody picks up a cigarette and only some put it down.

And before you say “That’s different. That’s something physical!”

The adrenaline from cheating felt physical.

The (false sense of) dopamine felt physical.

It felt like a sort of high and I was forever chasing that high. I didn’t ever do drugs. I saw what it did to my whole family. I saw how they were ruled by it all. As a kid I sat and watched the drug deals happen. I stepped over the strung out bodies. I got used to seeing my loved ones bent over and lifeless. I knew I didn’t want that life, but what I didn’t realize was I just traded in that addiction for another kind of addiction. I was addicted to the feeling of being wanted. The feeling of being needed.

I thought I was the black sheep, the odd one out in a family full of addicts, but I wasn’t. I was an addict that just didn’t partake in their brand of drug.

I hate to put it that way. I hate it so bad. Like rereading that makes me mad.

I feel like sugarcoating this for myself sometimes lol.

I could give you so many excuses as to why I might’ve wanted to feel wanted and needed so bad, but what I’ll never do is excuse my actions. Even if there is some logical reason I was driven to do the things I did, or even if there’s science behind the way my brain worked back then. No matter if the trauma had anything to do with it…I won’t let that be my excuse.

I say it on the channel all of the time, but plenty of people go through what I’ve been through and WORSE and they could still remain faithful to their loved ones.

My trauma is my trauma, not my excuse.

It’s not an “if she wanted to she would.” Sort of thing…cause I wanted to change, I really did. I promise you I wanted to change.

It was a “FIGHT HARDER” sort of thing. I could’ve fought harder. I didn’t fight for much of nothing back then. It felt like I just didn’t have it in me. The fight in me was missing for so long.

It’s all here now, though. And it’s how I’ve remained faithful to Shane for almost a decade no “slip ups” or mistakes in all of that time.

I fight for him like he fought for me. I realized I wanted to LIVE because I wanted to spend my life with him. I wanted to FEEL genuine feelings….not the high, not the adrenaline…I wanted to feel something full of SUBSTANCE. All that other stuff left me feeling empty in the end. What Shane made me feel lasted. It has left a lasting effect on me. Once I received it….REALLY received it…it changed me.

That’s because Jesus was using Shane as a funnel. He was funneling His love through Shane into ME.

I was raised in church my whole life, but the first time I ever truly saw Jesus was in Shane.

Don’t get me wrong. I had prayed in my adolescence. A LOT. Lord knows I prayed. I was actually baptized with the Holy Spirit at only 14. (If you’re not Pentecostal, you might not know what that is and thats okay! I plan to go over it in the podcast.)

Everywhere I went as a kid God had a word for me from somebody and it still stands true today. The amount of times God has used an individual to relay a message to me is baffling. I always say I must be hard of hearing or something LOL cause everyone’s got a word for me EXCEPT me! I have plenty of words from God for other people, but I can probably count on one hand how many times God has spoke something to me for me lol.

So I wasn’t a stranger to the faith. I knew of Jesus, and I KNEW Jesus to an extent. I knew parts of Him. I just hadn’t been introduced to a lot of the fruits of the Spirit.

So when I met Shane and he harbored them all I slowly began to come to know the sort of love Jesus had for me.

Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control.

As a child I hadn’t met many Christians who showed any of those off.

We took a detour to tell you this, because it’s important in the future. There comes a time when I meet Jesus again and it’s in that moment you’ll see that THAT’S when I become Fearfully CREATED. I had always been Fearfully CREATED, but it was within that moment that I accepted the title.

That moment is further up ahead in my story, though.

Let’s get back on track.

So I had remained faithful to Shane while we were dating. The closest I came to being unfaithful was keeping a male friend that made Shane uncomfortable around for far too long. He had asked me to sever contact with him because the boy was beginning to catch feelings, and I didn’t for a long time. I didn’t do any cheating per say, but I’m not innocent in that either because I knew he was developing feelings for me and it came back to that “me feeling wanted and needed thing”. I wouldnt cross the line, but I hovered around it for long enough.

Right before Shane and I got married I ended contact with that friend.

Shane and I got married without having a house to live in. So for the first few months we actually lived separately. Neither of our families were fond of the idea that we were married and they didn’t want both of us living together under their roofs. Surprisingly the one person who offered their home to us was none other than….

My mom.

She was the only person who offered Shane and I a place to stay together. She helped us work on our broken down car, she eventually gave us an older car she had, she helped me get my GED, and she helped me prepare for Coltons arrival.

That’s why I don’t tolerate mom slander.

We healed something between us during that time and while parts of us are still broken, and our relationship still struggles…I will never forget her welcoming Shane and I into her home and helping me better myself.

The enemy thought he had that relationship in the bag 33 years ago. God knew we were both.broken, and He was willing to fix us in the right timing. It took 19 years for me to begin healing in that department, and it’s been a long one lol 15 years later and I’m still healing. I think she is, too.

After getting on our feet we were able to secure a low income apartment.

I was on cloud 9. I remember Shane and I walking into that low income apartment and seeing it as a mansion. We were beyond ready to start our lives together. We thought it was the coolest thing because it had stairs lol. I think one of the bedrooms was haunted so we kept the door to is closed lol but other than that it was heaven on earth for us.

Everything was going great. I was having gallbladder attacks frequently though and sooner than later a gallbladder attack sent me into labor with Colton. It was one of the most severe pains I had ever felt. I projectile vomited green goo it was a whole Ghostbusters ordeal.

They were able to remove my gallbladder before it fully ruptured though and I came home with a baby and without a gallbladder lol.

I put Colton first in everything. We were dirt poor, but Shane and I did what we had to to make sure he had what he needed and fun things too! His first Christmas he was only a few months old but I remember wrapping all of his little presents with Shane and putting them under the tree. He had no idea what was going on but we did lol. It’s a core memory. I remember his first Halloween, too. Shane and I carved pumpkins in the living room while he laid there switching between watching us and napping. Later that night I picked him up and held him above my head oo-ing and ahh-ing at him and all of a sudden he projectile vomited soy formula into my mouth. Lol. Shane loves telling that story.

Things were going good. We were barely making ends meet but both of us were used to being poor so we knew how to make things stretch and last until the next pay day. Sometimes nanny would help us, too. I try to give nanny anything she wants now because back then she helped us stay afloat a lot of times. I don’t know what we would’ve done without her.

It wasn’t long after Colton was born that I was scrolling on facebook and saw a familiar face.

You would’ve thought I’d seen a ghost.

In my mind I practically did.

One of my high school friends had posted a photo of them hanging out with *him* and a bunch of our friends at a local park. I remember I was holding Colton in my arms when I saw it and I got such a pit in my stomach.

I didn’t act on anything then. I wanted to keep it out of my mind because I didn’t want Shane to know about him. It was a sore spot and I wanted those two worlds to be separate.

The irony. I know.

Something snapped in me the day I saw his picture on facebook, though.

I began talking to old “friends”, old “flings”, and people I used to know. People I had separated myself from for months and months and months. I had separated myself for a reason, but I forgot about that reason.

I think the snap happened because I didn’t know how to process my feelings as a 19 year old. I just saw someone I thought I’d never see again. Shoot, for all I knew they were dead. I thought everything tied to that was gone. When I saw it wasn’t, I had feelings I needed to work through.

I’m an all or nothing person. I’ve always been. So I’m thinking the snap happened when I realized that. It was almost like a “ oop! I just thought about this person, there goes my faithfulness down the drain!I didn’t have a particularly bad thought when I saw him I just think it stirred up something old and buried.

Or maybe the return of him subliminally brought out the old version of me, I don’t know. I can’t even tell you if seeing him was 100% of the cause. Maybe it had nothing to do with it, I don’t know. Maybe I was looking for a reason. But I slowly watched my resolve disappear and I slowly became the person I was always terrified of becoming again.

You want to know why I stay in prayer? Why I live, eat, and breathe Jesus? Why I work on my marriage 24/7? Why I take every little thing regarding Shane into consideration? Why I’m hyper vigilant about our peace?

It’s because I’ve been down that road. I remember the slippery slope. The out of control falling. The wanting to climb up the slide, but you just kept sliding further and further down. The dark place I landed in. I remember it.

I remember everything.

I remember it all too well as Taylor Swift says.

That was a pivotal tiny, little moment in my story. It’s that little moment that set the stage for everything to come.

As we get further along in this I want you to know…

It’s going to look like I really loved this person. God forbid it gets romanticized.

I’ll set the record straight right here and now.

We did no share love. We shared a trauma bond.

I never loved that person. I liked the broken company.

I’ll say this before God and everybody…Shane is the only man I have ever loved. The only man I have genuinely cared about. The only man who I’ve been ROMANTIC with. Shane has a part of me nobody else on the planet has ever had. I’ve not shared it with anybody and it’s for good reason. It was his all long. I adore that man. I always have. Even in my mess, God in Heaven knows, I loved him. It’s so backwards, I know. People will argue with me til their blue in the face, I know. It makes no sense, I know. But I would not stand before God and tell you a lie. I’ve loved him since the moment I met him. I just didn’t love me