Summer of ‘09

Howdy y’all!

I want to wish y’all a belated Merry Christmas and Happy New Years!

I was originally only going to take a week off from the blog for Christmas, but I spoke with you on my other social media about extending my break one more week cause I just wasn’t feeling it guys.

I’m nearing the part of my story that I despise..even more so than my childhood.

Honestly, I would relive my childhood over again if it meant I could go back and change this upcoming part of my story.

I despise it. I try really hard not to despise ME because of it.

I try to show myself as much grace as I show others, I really do.

But I was there, I was HER…I played the bad guy. I WAS the bad guy.

And all that is bad enough, but throw Shane in the mix and it just makes it so much worse. I’m telling you some days…. I wanna fight her.

It’s those days I need Jesus the most. He always brings me peace during those times. It’s the kind of peace only He can provide.

Before we get to that dreaded part of my story though…we get to relive one of the best times of my life. The summer of ‘09 will be running through my mind when I’m on my death bed…I’m sure of it.

I believe I had just introduced you to Shane the last time I talked with you. How we met and sparks instantly flew. How there was really no “like” or “puppy love” stage with him and I. We moved FAST.

After that initial meet up at the mall… Shane and I became inseparable. We virtually dropped everything but each other. We lived and breathed to make it to the next time we could see or talk to one another and talk to one another we did! We talked ALL day every day. We were constantly texting or on the phone from the moment I opened my eyes to his good morning text til the minute my head hit the pillow and he told me goodnight on the phone. There were many nights we fell asleep on the phone. Those were my favorite. I felt safe when I was talking to him and that wasn’t a feeling I was used to.

During these first few months I didn’t tell Shane about the things I was going through within the house I lived in. I didn’t tell anyone. I learned a long time ago the people I thought I could confide in really didn’t want me confiding in them because it made them uncomfortable….and making them uncomfortable made ME uncomfortable.

Not only was I experiencing pure hell (actual hell not the bad word hell) during this time, but I was also cut off from my family. You’re probably thinking “Merina, we read the first part of you story how could you miss that family on that hill?!” And to answer that…I don’t know. I think it’s because my childhood abuse didn’t compare to what I experienced as a teenager. I missed my mamaw and papaw, too. I didn’t get to see them often. I hardly ever saw my dad. My brother was smart and had chosen not to come with us when we moved so I didn’t have him either. My mom had only popped up on MySpace here and there when she thought I was out of control or something and wanted to parent me so I really had no family outside of this house. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I hid what happened there and I hid it well. In fact, I hid it so well that I was 25 years old when I finally told nanny what all had been happening under that roof with proof and receipts. She couldn’t believe anything like that could’ve happened without her knowing.

THAT is how well I hid it.

The only person I couldn’t hide it from was Shane. After awhile he began to notice red flags and he started noticing things until finally I told him everything.

I just knew he was going to break up with me. He wasn’t damaged like me. He wasn’t like the others. We didn’t bond through trauma. He deserved someone whole. He deserved someone mentally and emotionally stable and that was NOT me then.

The more I told him though, the closer we got.

He knew I hated it there and he knew I felt unsafe so he would drive to my house as soon as he got off work (work clothes and all!) and he would stay with me til 3 and 4 in the morning. Having him there with me was the safest I had ever felt.

I didn’t have to sleep with one eye on the door when he was with me. I didn’t have to set boobytraps up before I fell asleep so that if someone tried getting into my door I would hear them and they wouldn’t catch me off guard. On nights he wasn’t with me it was awful. It was like they were making up for the days they couldn’t do anything to me because Shane was there. It got so bad that the boobytraps and the stuff in front of the door no longer worked. They busted through my door one night and broke the entire thing. THAT was when I knew I was out of there the minute I turned 18.

Shane stayed longer and longer after that. He came almost every day and he would either stay with me and we would watch movies all day or he would come and get me and get me out of there for awhile. I always hated to turn onto my road at night. Shane says all the time he still has nightmares to this day when he sleeps about having to leave me there without him.

This man has kept me alive his whole life I’m not even kidding you.

He’s always been that kind of person. He’s always been good to his CORE. There used to be a website called Topix and it was basically a gossip forum for your local area. He was all over that thing! lol it used to make me so mad. Someone was either talking about how he was so cute or how he was polite and kind. The last entry I ever read on there before they took the website down was about him being married now and they were so upset.

I hate that for them lol

After only three months of dating, Shane asked me to marry him.

He didn’t have a ring. He couldn’t afford one he was spending a fortune on gas to drive 40 minutes to my house and back every day but I couldn’t have cared less about a ring. I had him and that’s all I wanted. I’ve never said yes to something so fast.

Fun fact — He was being super secretive all day that day and when he said he was coming to my house that night I got worried because we hadn’t planned on it. He showed up  and I had no makeup on and i was in pajamas. I just knew he was breaking up with me. I thought “He’s finally realized how much better he can do!”

When he got down on one knee I was F L A B B E R G A S T E D.

I never want to make it seem as if Shane is perfect. To me, he absolutely is. But realistically no one is perfect. He’s probably the closest to it I’ve ever seen somebody get though lol.

He’s always been such a gentleman.

He knew a lot of my past so when we first started talking about waiting til marriage I was floored. I won’t lie and say we were completely successful with that, we had our moments, but the fact that he even brought that up and we strived to be that way most of our relationship is just amazing to me.

I can’t even begin to explain how considerate and respectful he was to me without being TMI or airing our laundry out here lol but he was always just so kind and respectful.

There was one time I made him so mad. I was trying to make him mad. I had this thing I did up until I was in my mid 20s where I would try my hardest to push him away. To make him mean to me or something. It wasn’t until I began looking back on those years when I realized I had been doing that. I wasn’t just being a butthead or moody..I was actively trying to push him away. Almost as if I was trying to see how far I could push him til he showed his true colors…cause i thought there’s no way this is how he reacts to me being hateful. There’s no way he stays this calm. There’s no way he doesn’t lash out.

I can tell you after 15 years with this man…yes way.

He is not run by his emotions. He’s so level headed when it comes to that kind of stuff.

Anyways I had tried making him mad…I mean I did everything! It was enough to make the pope furious…and all he did was park us in a church parking lot get out of the suv and walk away.

…..if I’m lying I’m crying and I ain’t shed a tear.

I was tearing the man apart and he parked me in a dang church parking lot and walked away….not even far LOL.. he walked to the other side of the parking lot so he wasn’t leaving me alone LOL

Things got worse at the house but they got better and better with him. Our relationship, as new as it was, survived so much. His crazy ex girlfriends, his mom hating me, me being a butthead and emotionally unstable, my trauma responses, me being actively abused during it, Shane having to pawn his favorite things for gas money to make it to me…like we went through it! And I still consider that to be one of the highlights of my life.

On our 9 month anniversary we got married in a living room while I was wearing pajamas lol (I wasn’t lying when I said I do everything in my pajamas lol i even got married in them lol!) We got pregnant with Colton within the following month.

I thought my life had turned around. I thought I had made it through everything I went through and came out unscathed by it…but I was wrong. It wouldn’t be long before I became the bane of my existence. The person I despise even more than all of my abusers…if you were to put old Merina in a room with all of my abusers in it and ask which one I want to punch I would choose Merina. And thats something Jesus is to this day working on me about. He’s helping me work through it and I’m slowly but surely learning that I can forgive her like Shane forgave her.

I have to refer to her as HER or I can’t hardly take it. If I say she almost ruined Shanes  life, I can continue on with my day. If I say I almost ruined Shanes life…I just can’t hardly stand it. I can physically feel my heart break. So I refer to her as her…because I’m a new creation in Christ Jesus and the old me is deader than a door knob.

I would lay down my life for my husband.

I would do and will do anything in my power to bring him joy.

I actively love him like there is no tomorrow.

And that’s how I sleep at night. Knowing that I will be making up for the heartache I caused him for the rest of my life…and I’ll be doing it GLADLY if it means I get to spend my life with him.